Mental Health
How We Can Support the Mental Health of Our Children

How We Can Support the Mental Health of Our Children  

Parenting is a challenge. We all have moments in which we’re uncertain about how to help or respond to our children. Our children live in an age of constant stimulation that their brains were not built for. How can we help them grow into kind, caring, measured, and resilient humans despite these new pressures? How can we keep them unaffected by the unprecedented rise in mental illness among their age group? 

In the following pages, I will share insights gained working as a clinical psychologist with families, couples, and young people over 25 years. My insights definitely do not answer the above but are a modest attempt to give you a few tools to think about and try out. 

Normalising and Facing Suffering 

Mental health awareness has increased significantly over the past decade. Our kids are far more aware of mental health diagnoses than we ever were, so much so that their normal suffering can trigger fears of having a serious mental health problem. 

We need to be careful not to pathologize normal human experience. It's important to teach our children sad feelings are an acceptable and fundamental part of life, as are emotions like fear, anger, and shame. We can model turning towards the suffering that is inherent in life and demonstrate that facing it with courage and honesty will, ironically, lead us to a more sustainable type of happiness. 

The Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh put it nicely:  ‘If you know how to suffer, you suffer much, much less.’ 

Being A Comfortable Soothing Parent

With our attention pulled in all sorts of directions, being present in the moment with our children often competes with a goal-driven mindset that I will call ‘doing mode’. When we are in ‘doing mode’, our social skills are by far not as good as they are in the nervous system state of ‘being mode’. If you would like to read more about this, I encourage you to look at the writings and videos of Jon Kabat Zinn and Steven Porges. 

How good are we at seeing our kids for who they are? Doing things like offering after-school activities, physical comforts, and luxury holidays cannot compete with your being fully present. Good parenting is also a state of being. More than anything, our kids want us to feel. safe, to be ‘chilled out’, and comforting. We can do less for our kids and instead work more on cultivating moment to moment mindful awareness of how we feel in our bodies when we’re in the same space with them. Many of us are buzzing with inner pressures and. unintentionally give off nervous energy that kicks up stress in our already stressed children. This can cause them to distance themselves from us. Our kids can pick up our inner state consciously and unconsciously through the sound of our voice, our body movements, and our gaze. At times, we might be in the same room but feel painfully disconnected. Stress in our bodies is usually what stands in the way of presence and connection.

As parents, we absolutely benefit from learning how to shift from ‘doing mode’ into a calm and connected state of just being. How do we access ‘being mode’?  First, we need to practice observing what state we’re in and notice when connecting with others feels harder, more strained, or awkward and when it flows nicely. We need to learn to scan our bodies. Is there tension anywhere? Are we moving around in a rush chasing endless to-do lists or the next deadline at work? Are we never hitting a pause button to just sit, breathe deeply, empty our minds, and assess how we’re feeling? 

When we notice we’re in an agitated goal-driven ‘doing’ state, we can intentionally slow down our movements and our breathing and practice directing with intent, mindfully. This involves focusing attention on what is unfolding around you in the moment without judging it. What do you see, hear, smell, feel and what thoughts are entering and exiting your mind? Stay with the present moment and try not to let your thoughts take you for a ride. 

You can engage in soothing rhythm breathing to shift into ‘being mode’ by breathing into your lower belly through your nose counting 1,2,3, 4 and then exhaling through the mouth, as if blowing out a candle, counting 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8. The outbreath needs to be longer than the in-breath. If maintained for ten breaths or more, this pattern of breathing can shift you into a calmer more connected state that facilitates positive interactions with your child. If you were to build soothing rhythm breathing into your daily routine, you might notice an improvement in your well-being that has ripple effects on your social environment, a process referred to as ‘co-regulation’. As a therapist I see this happening all the time. It is like a silent conversation between our nervous systems. 

I encourage you to try a variety of things to shift from ‘doing’ to ‘being’. You can focus your full attention on the sensations in the soles of your feet as you prepare dinner, brush your teeth, or walk to the coffee machine at work. These small breaks from goal-directed doing are very good for your mental health. I used to do an exercise with teens called ‘feet on the floor, bums on the chair’, which entailed students dropping their full attention into their sensory awareness to better manage stress levels at school.

Apart from our stressed states, judging our child can also block a good connection. I encourage you to suspend judgment as much as possible to explore things with them in a spirit of curiosity and wonder. You could, for example, ask your child to share his or her music collection with you and simply listen with full attention. Travelling to other cultures is also a great way for a family to share curiosity and wonder. Time spent in nature also promotes shifts into ‘being mode’ and hence improves the quality of our conversations.  

A Home That Feels Safe  

What does your home feel like to your child? Is it a calm refuge or a stressful place to return to at the end of the day? How are the noise levels? Are there a lot of people or questions to deal with? Is there tension between family members? Are problems talked about openly or are they ignored or denied? Can your child feel a sense of ease?

You could ask your child what routines at home he or she finds comforting. Maybe you have certain rituals as a family that have existed since he or she was a child. Maybe there are certain smells, sounds, and foods your child associates with comfort? I encourage you to explore these.

Helping Our Children Voice Their Feelings

It places an emotional burden on our children to sense there are problems that are left unaddressed. In the absence of validation, this can be confusing and make them doubt their intuition. If a child clearly heard her parents arguing and shouting during the night, it is best to address it: 

‘I’m sorry if you heard me and your mother shouting last night. That must have been hard and confusing for you. Sometimes she and I struggle to agree on things. Adult relationships can be complicated.’  

Equally, it is important to acknowledge periods of parental absence that prevented you from meeting your child’s needs. Your child might be trying to put on a brave face and become self-sufficient, but a part of him is yearning for your presence and might feel angry about your priorities. It is good to address this openly and allow him to voice his feelings: 

‘I’m sorry I’ve been away so much lately. I barely spent any time with you. You have a right to be upset about that. I am here for you now.’

Try to simply listen if your child needs to offload frustration or anger. Regularly giving feelings a space to be voiced is extremely important for our children’s mental health.     

Knowing Your Emotional History

Becoming aware of our emotional histories will improve our parenting. Kids can be shockingly disrespectful in their words and actions and can trigger us in unexpected ways. We might find ourselves overreacting and saying things we later regret. Sometimes we might erupt with anger and surprise ourselves with its intensity. We all carry wounds from childhood that we compensate for as adults. It helps to unpack our early experiences and relationships with our respective parents and to define what we do not want to repeat with your own children. Teens are particularly good at sniffing out the insecurities of their parents and pushing their buttons. However, we must remember, that our children are neverresponsible for triggering old wounds. In a heated situation, you can ask yourself: 

How much of my current reaction to my kid is triggered by what happened to me a long time ago? 

The Power of Repair

When we do overreact with our children, it’s important to engage in a process called repair. Repair is important, because our children can sense when our reactions are measured and when they’re out of line. Resentment, a sense of injustice, and an emotional disconnect can set in if we do not address our wrongdoing as parents. 

Trying to be a perfect parent gets in the way of repair. I will say it plainly: We are all flawed in some way and our children want us to be ‘real’ about our occasional mistakes. Being good enough, occasionally stumbling, and then repairing models for them what it is to be human. Here is an example of what a mother might say to her daughter: 

‘You know, that version of me that shouted this morning when we tried to get out of the door- I can imagine that that was not your favourite version of mom- I’m sorry!’

Notice that repair does not involve us making excuses, like this: 

I only did that because you did X. 

We need to own our mistakes. Repair is a great way to stay connected to our children and teaches them to have the humility to do the same when they upset someone.   

More examples of repair: 

‘Hey, when I said XYZ, that came out wrong. I’m sorry. Can we hit the reset button and try this again?’

‘I made a mistake. I raised my voice and that might have scared you. I wish I hadn’t done that. I’m sorry.’

‘You’re right, I wasn’t listening to you earlier, but I’m ready to listen now.’

‘I did not have the proper tools to give you what you needed in that situation. I’m so sorry that you didn’t get what you needed.’ 

‘I know you’re still angry about how I acted during that time, I’m so deeply sorry if I hurt you.’ 

Discipline and Limit Setting

Let me start with some food for thought regarding naughtiness. In my experience naughtinessisn’t always bad. It can also be an exploration of authenticity and independence in a child that feels safe. The former naughty children among us may be more creative today because we can try out ideas that don’t instantly meet with approval. We might also be more comfortable around making mistakes, messing up, or looking ridiculous. I encourage you to see some of the naughtiness in your children as a sign of health rather than delinquency. Conversely, if a child never causes any problems, perhaps he or she does not feel safe enough to do so?

Healthy discipline and limit setting happen when you share a good connection with your child. When your child feels you’re being fair and authentic, discipline becomes more of a joint problem-solving exercise. Together you can problem-solve necessary routines and safety measures, allowing your child some influence and sense of agency in shaping the solution. It is possible to be both authoritative and kind, firm and polite, and unyielding andsympathetic. Our children do recognise their immaturity and, despite their frustration, appreciate the love that lies behind our discipline. As strong parents imposing discipline, we can witness volcanic eruptions of rage, eyes welling up with tears, or strong words that sting. We need to stand strong in these moments, neither feeling crushed by our child’s distress nor falling victim to our own anger.

Our kids need to feel the push back of rules and the resulting frustration. When our child gets upset, we need to keep the limit that we imposed in place. You do not have to fix distress that results from imposing rules and limits.  You do need to learn to tolerate your child’s discomfort. It is not our job to make sure that our children are never unhappy.  Limits and consequences help our children to feel safe and secure. The most compassionate parents can set clear boundaries for their children and are not afraid of the strong feelings that can result.  

If you communicate well with each other, your child may be open to recognising the importance of healthy sleep, a balanced diet, regular exercise, curfews, and time spent outdoors. Rules no longer feel arbitrary but become meaningful to them. You can absolutely recognise his or her wants and desires and find compromises or, at a minimum, show empathy when these cannot be met: 

‘I realise this is frustrating for you, but it’s got to be done. I know you’re having a blast when you’re out at a party, but I need you home by 11.’

Shrinking ‘Not Good Enough’ with Abundance

We are often confronted with upward social comparisons. With information on highlighted versions of millions of other people readily accessible or forced on us, we often live with a chronic sense of not being good enough. Sometimes this can leak into our sense of competence as a parent. We might carry a nagging feeling that there’s a lot of room for improvement in our lives and the lives of our children. 

Since 2014, we have seen a dramatic increase in mental health issues impacting adolescents. Social media has replaced many after-school activities that were competence- and social skills- building as well as healthy outlets for stored up stress. Self-esteem that results from building competencies outside of school is much harder to develop during afternoons spent on social media.  

To counterbalance these developments, it’s important that we model an abundant mindset to our children as much as possible. I encourage you to consider these simple statements for yourself and your children to reclaim a sense of the actual abundance in your lives: 

I am enough just as I am in this moment.

I can be free of other peoples’ judgments.

My child is enough and does not need to do anything to earn my love.

My child is fundamentally good and I love and accept this child as he or she is.

I trust my child to make mistakes and I believe in their ability to learn from them. 

When Your Child is in Distress

Deep family connection often emerges through facing what’s hard. We need to be willing to look beyond our initial assumptions and interpretations about what is going on with our child and adopt an attitude of openness and curiosity.  Making snap judgments about our children is damaging. If you have a teenager and slap a label like ‘lazy’ on him or her, you are missing out on understanding what’s going on beneath the surface. Labels block us from seeing our children clearly. Equally, when we dismiss, minimise, blame, or shame our kids because of their emotional reactions, we prevent them from showing us who they are. A young boy told me: 

‘My Mom teases me when I’m scared so I have to pretend to be brave.’ 

Lying looks like a negative thing. However, if we probe more deeply, we might discover our child’s desire not to disappoint us or his or her fear of our judgment. If your child doesn’t feel safe with you or you exert too much control as a parent, they will be more likely to lie to you. 

You can ask yourself: 

What is my child’s ‘bad’ behaviour trying to communicate to me? 

What is the emotional need hiding behind the bad behaviour and how can I meet it? 

Our kids need the skill of realising when they need help and the courage to ask for it. When they reach out to us, we need to pause and steady ourselves to be present for them. They may share things that are hard to hear, that disappoint, or feel totally unacceptable. I encourage you to exhale and just listen. Take your child’s concerns seriously, even if they initially seem overblown. Try to hear him or her out before you ask questions and insert your opinion. Good Listening means supporting what your child is saying and not shifting conversation to yourself or other topics. A supportive response encourages elaboration from your child and helps you to gain greater understanding. Good questions DON’T begin with: 

Don’t you think…? Isn’t it true that…? Wouldn’t you agree…? And they definitely don’t end with ….right? 

Try to ask open-ended questions. To listen openly takes courage on your part because you don’t know where your conversation might end up.  You can start with empathic validation:

‘I hear you’

‘that sounds so frustrating’ 

‘that sounds incredibly hard’ 

‘your feelings are understandable’; ‘I would feel that way too.’

You can check back to ensure you’ve understood: 

‘Let me see if I got this right so far…’

‘So you feel X about Y?’

‘What does it feel like when X happens?’ 

‘Can you say more about that?

When your child asks you for your opinion you might say: 

‘I promise I will tell you what I think, but first I really want to know what you think. That’s more important right now.’

If you want to offer a suggestion you could start with a gentle intro: 

‘I just want to run something by you.’

Before you end your conversation: 

‘I’m so glad that you were willing to talk to me about this.’

‘Wow, you really dealt with this complicated and confusing situation well.’

By stepping back from your role as problem-solver, your child can start to figure out his or her own strategies and solutions, an important skill. Once our children feel heard, they are far more receptive to joint problem-solving and considering advice.

Here’s a statement from a young client noting a very positive shift in her mother: 

‘My mom has become so much less judgmental. She has become a phenomenal listener and that makes me feel I can turn to her with anything.’

Building Emotional Resilience 

We don’t do our children any favours assuming they can only handle happy states. Like the brains of all humans, our children’s brains are wired to consider catastrophic events. The most loving thing we can do is to honestly acknowledge that fearsome events can occur and can destroy important things we value. We need to teach our children to stay with their fears long enough to think through how they would try to master them. Allowing them to stay with a fear and problem solve it brings a sense of resilience and takes the heat out of the threat it poses. 

The Unfinished Yet Highly Capable Teenage Brain

As teen parents we can find ourselves confronted with a young person who suddenly feels unfamiliar, unpredictable, and bent on being different. They might suddenly have an inability to focus, to follow through, and to remember things or become irritable, insensitive, angry, or distracted. They might huff and roll their eyes at our suggestions, requests, and demands. Their moods might be shifty and they explode or ‘freak out’ over seemingly small things. 

To start, knowing what our teen is cognitively and emotionally NOT able to do is critically important. The human brain matures well into our mid-20s and develops from the back to the front. The region just behind our foreheads is the prefrontal cortex and makes up 40% of the brain’s total volume. It is the LAST brain region to develop and continues to change until about age 25. Teens are NOT good at these pre-frontal cortex functions: 

To be self-aware (unawareness of how they come across)

To consider and anticipate the consequences of their actions 

To plan 

To regulate their behaviours 

To regulate their emotions 

To assess risks

To inhibit their craving for future rewards and thrills

We need to step in and become our teens’ frontal lobes until their brains are fully wired to do all the above. 

At the same time, the teen brain is impressive. Human learning capacity and ingenuity are at their highest during adolescence and the teen brain supports a path toward independence. It is built to help teens seek out new experiences, mainly focus on peers, and gives huge rewards for novelty seeking. That’s why our teens can be so restless to get out of the house and seek new thrills with their peers.

We need to help our teens get through the experimentation they instinctively need without any long-term adverse effects. Easier said than done! As parents, we can set limits for them and talk through the full palette of risky behaviours they might encounter. You can help them visualise the costs versus the benefits and advise them on situations they don’t have the foresight to consider.  

We can also explain to our teens that some of their irrational, impulsive, and overly sensitive behaviour has to do with their brains being excitable and underdeveloped in the areas of emotion regulation and future planning. This can be comforting for them to know, as they too are confused by their moods and behaviour!    

Teenagers do not have higher hormone levels than young adults, but they do react to hormones differently. There is a clear increased responsiveness to stress, which may explain why anxiety disorders typically arise during puberty. They are more likely to exhibit stress-induced illnesses such as colds, tense muscles, headaches, and upset stomachs. There is a tsunami of information coming at teens from school, peers, and the media. As mentioned, we need to do our best to counterbalance that influx of stress, by offering them a calm and soothing home environment.    

The Powerful Role of Sleep in Teen Brain Development

Recent research suggests that a great deal of the anxiety and depression we see in teens would resolve quickly if they slept better. Teen clients tell me they will check their phones impulsively when falling asleep or even when they wake up in the middle of the night. I encourage you to buy regular alarm clocks so that smartphones are not in your teen’s bedroom overnight. If you have a close connection with your teen, you can problem-solve this together. He or she might voluntarily put away their phone at bedtime. 

The average teen requires 9h15min of sleep. Sleep consolidates their memories and their learning and improves eating habits and stress levels. You can encourage your teen to switch to screen-free activities at a set time to avoid melatonin suppression through LED light and habituate the body to winding down.  

You should also avoid raising difficult topics and arguments before bedtime, as this triggers stress hormones that interfere with sleep. If your teen has sleep disturbances, try to remove soft drinks, fried food, sweets, and caffeine from his or her diet and increase his or her physical activity during the day.

The Awful Download

Your teen’s attitude may at times feel flat-out awful. Your job is to hang in there like a noble warrior, in the face of a slammed door, harsh rejection, horrible words, or other. When teens come home from school, they often let their guard down, vent, and download a day’s worth of stress and fear into the safest place they know: YOU. Try to be available for that download and don’t take it personally. You have not raised an awful unkind person. Your child cannot carry everything alone and needs you as a crutch. Try to navigate this process with some sense of humour, light, and love. When he or she has calmed down, it is essential you revisit the awful behaviour, pointing out that difficult moments can be handled in more constructive ways, even when we are stressed and unhappy. 

When is it a Mental Health Problem? 

We speak of a mental health problem if it is developmentally inappropriate, persistent (over 1 month for young people), causing significant distress, and disrupting normal daily functioning. 

I encourage you to study the topics and links I have provided for you below. Hopefully, they will answer some of your more specific concerns.

Resources

Mrs. Alison Vibert, the school nurse, is experienced in counselling individuals and families through difficult times. She can help you find additional support.

Finding a local English-speaking therapist

Ask your GP for recommendations.

https://www.counsellinginfrance.com/index.html

https://www.angloinfo.com/riviera/directory/riviera-counselling-therapy-200

French resources locally

Point Écoute Santé (Valbonne): Any questions relating to your health, addictions, and psychology https://www.ville-valbonne.fr/votre-ville/sante/point-ecoute-sante/

Centre d’Action Médico-Social Précoce (free multidisciplinary consultations 0-6yrs, Grasse): http://www.cmigrasse.org/le-camsp/

Multi-professional Child Mental Health Teams in Cannes, Antibes, Grasse:

http://www.ch-cannes.fr/offre-de-soin/pedopsychiatrie/

Lenval Children’s Hospital (Nice): medical & mental health emergencies, specialist centre for autistic spectrum disorders, 57 avenue de la Californie, Nice, 04.92.03.03.92

https://lenval.org

Mother & Child Health Centre (Sophia): Espace Santé Lucioles, mother & child health, including pediatricians, gynecologists, neuropsychologists, orthodontists, speech therapists, art therapist etc.: https://www.espacesanteleslucioles.com

Del’Arthérapie is based there and organizes very accessible, regular workshops on mental health topics, for younger kids and teens https://www.facebook.com/delartherapie/about/?ref=page_internal

Child Protection

Anyone can call 119 for anonymous advice or to express concerns: Protection de l’enfant endanger https://www.allo119.gouv.fr

Managing Stress and Difficult Emotions   

www.stressedteens.com

www.Mindfulnessinschools.org

https://ibme.com

Hotlines for Teens

Self-harm and Suicide 

https://soshelpline.org (English speaking helpline in France) 

Tel: 0146 21 46 46 (3pm-11pm)

www.samaritans.org (UK)

+44 (0) 8457 90 90 90 (24hrs)  

Youthline

+44 (0) 808 801 0711

Online Therapy 

www.counsellingteens.co.uk

www.teencounselling.com

Beateatingdisorders.org.uk (online one-to-one webchats)

Child and Adolescent Therapy in the UK

The Child and Family Practice London

tcfp.org.uk

The ADHD Centre 

Adhdcentre.co.uk

Podcasts

The Learning Curve- James Wellings interviewing Clinical Psychologist Katrin Scanlan

The Good Inside with Dr. Becky

Parenting Without Power Struggles with Susan Stiffelman

Mindfulness for Teens and Middle Schoolers

The Teen Life Coach 

The Verywell Mind podcast with therapist Amy Morin

Films

Netflix: The Mind Explained 

Netflix: The Social Dilemma 

That Sugar Film

IndieFlix: LIKE: A documentary about finding balance in our digital world

Meditation Apps

Headspace 

Insight Timer

Talks

Ted Talk: Cal Newport: Why you should quit social media

Teen Voices: Oversharing and Your Digital Footprint - YouTube

Ted talk: The single most important parenting strategy with Dr Becky Kennedy

Book Recommendations 

Dunckley, V.L. (2015). Reset Your Childs Brain: End Meltdowns, Raise Grades, and Boost Social Skills by Reversing the Effects of Electronic Screen Time. New World Library. 

Gurian, M. (1997). The Wonder of Boys: What Parents, Mentors, and Educators Can Do to Shape Boys into Exceptional Men. Putnam. 

Hemmen, L. (2012). Parenting a Teen Girl: A Crash Course on Conflict, Communication and Connection With Your Teenage Daughter, New Harbinger Publications

Jackson-Nakazawa, D. (2022). Girls on the Brink: Helping Our Daughters Thrive in an Era of Increased Anxiety, Depression, and Social Media, Harmony Books, NY

Lythcott-Haims, J (2015). How To Raise An Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kids for Success, Bluebird Books 

Mate, G (2019). Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers, Vermillion

Shefali (2023). The Parenting Map. Yellow Kite. 

Siegel, D. & Bryson, T.P. (2015). No-Drama Discipline: The Whole Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Childs Developing Mind. Scribe Publications.

Weinstock, L. (2022). How the World Is Making Our Children Mad. Vermillion. 

Attention Deficit (Hyperactivity) Disorder

Mate, G. (2019). Scattered Minds: The Origins and Healing of Attention Deficit Disorder. Vermilion. 

Nylund, D. (2000). Treating Huckleberry Finn: A Narrative Approach to Working with Kids Diagnosed with ADD/ADHD. Jossey-Bass. 

Anxiety

Chansky, T.E. (2004). Freeing Your Child From Anxiety: Powerful, Practical Solutions to Overcome Your Child’s Fears, Worries, and Phobias. Three Rivers Press.

Eating Disorders

Muhlheim, L. (2018). When Your Teen Has An Eating Disorder: Practical Strategies to Help Your Teen Recover from Anorexia, Bulimia, and Binge Eating, New Harbinger Publications  

Self Harm

Levenkron, S. (1998). Cutting: Understanding and Overcoming Self-Mutilation, Norton Books 

Suicidal Ideation

Williams, M. (2014). Cry of Pain: Understanding Suicide and the Suicidal Mind. Little Brown Book Group

Understanding the (Teenage) Brain

Davidson, R. (2013). The Emotional Life of Your Brain: How to Change the Way You Think Feel and Live, Hodder 

Siegel, DJ (2014) Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain, Scribe 

Insights on Social Media 

Boyd, D (2014). It’s Complicated: The Social Lives of Networked Teens, Yale University Press

Teaching Mindfulness to Students

Rechtschaffen, D. (2016). The Mindful Education Workbook: Lessons For Teaching Mindfulness to Students. Norton. 

Self-Help for Teens

Self-Esteem 

Schab, L. (2013): The Self-Esteem Workbook for Teens: Activities to Help You Build Confidence and Achieve Your Goals, New Harbinger Publications 

Coping with Strong Emotions

Van Dijk, S. (2011). Don’t Let Emotions Run Your Life for Teens: DBT skills for helping you manage mood swings, control angry outbursts, and get along with others, New Harbinger Publications  

Overcoming Social Anxiety/Shyness

Flynn-Walker, B (2021). Social Anxiety Relief for Teens: A Step by Step CBT guide to Feel Confident and Comfortable In Any Situation, Raincoast Books

Calming the Mind 

Biegel, G (2009). The Stress Reduction Workbook for Teens 

Sunim, H. (2012). The Things You Can Only See When You Slow Down: How To Be Calm in a Busy World, Penguin Random House